And quit ignoring the guys to talk to the ladies. I hate to break it to you, but no woman is going t

Now I understand this is a fairly hilarious first concert memory to have, especially since the Styx Kilroy Was Here tour was legendarily bad , a mock-and-roll opera about rebellion and censorship and robots. My dad to this day thinks rock concerts would be better if they had a plot to them.
Fast forward to now. I have friends yorkshire terriers dogs los angeles county ca whose fifteen year-old daughter wanted desperately yorkshire terriers dogs los angeles county ca to go see the Vans Warped Tour. Just as desperately, neither one of my friends wanted to go and waste a whole day at an outdoor festival.
So I volunteered to take her and her boyfriend, and the offer was enthusiastically accepted. yorkshire terriers dogs los angeles county ca Carved in stone, even. I live a thousand miles away from Cincinnati, and they were going to fly me in for the show if they had to.  They were thrilled to no end to be off the hook for this all-day tour.
The odd thing about this show is that even just a few years ago, some of my favorite bands were playing here. Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Rancid, Reel Big Fish, Bowling For Soup, Gym Class Heroes, Fishbone, Fall Out Boy, Glassjaw, all bands that had played on the Warped Tour in the past.
However, some time between those tours and this one, I ve apparently topped yorkshire terriers dogs los angeles county ca the hill and left coolness behind, proceeding full speed into cranky-old-dudeness.  Two years ago, I m William Miller . Now, I m Wilford Brimley .
By my rough count, there are 95 bands on this Warped Tour (no exaggeration). Of that sizable number, I had heard songs by two of them, and only owned an album by one (New Found Glory). I felt pretty sure that was the worst ratio of any of the fans in attendance. yorkshire terriers dogs los angeles county ca If my 82 year-old dad were there with me, I d only be one band ahead of him. He d probably spend the entire yorkshire terriers dogs los angeles county ca day hoping Styx or Billy Joel  showed up for a surprise appearance, but he wouldn t be any more left out than I was.
Macon, TJ, and I arrived at Riverbend about ten on a Tuesday yorkshire terriers dogs los angeles county ca morning, to wait in line with a couple yorkshire terriers dogs los angeles county ca thousand other early risers. We brought canned food with us to get a jump the line pass, which as far as I could tell just entitled us to wait in another, even longer line the size of your average American Idol audition.
After waiting in the line without end, we got to the gate for Riverbend. There were 3-4 lanes open for people to walk through, yorkshire terriers dogs los angeles county ca and they were checking bags. The gate worker glanced at my bag so fast, the only thing she could have been checking it for is mass. She glanced at the top of my backpack and waved me through. I could have had hand grenades, oriental porn, and radioactive isotopes in there, and as long as I wasn t packing a soda at the top of the bag, she was going to give me the green light.
As we walked in, the shows started. There were ten different stages, all set up at the right angles to each other so there was a minimum of bleed-through. The first band up was We The Kings, yorkshire terriers dogs los angeles county ca who gave a Hell of a show considering they were performing at 11:45am on a Tuesday. yorkshire terriers dogs los angeles county ca I was pleasantly surprised at WTK, they were good solid power pop based music, and it sounded like we all owned the same albums growing up.
Most of these bands don t get radio airplay, but I don t guess that would matter since I gave up on music radio long long ago. Finally getting to listen to them, I realized this current generation is just building on the musical shoulders of their influences, the same as my favorite bands did.
Unlike a lot of people in my demographic of grouchy old white dudes, I like rap and hip-hop. One of the crowning achievements yorkshire terriers dogs los angeles county ca of my life is getting followed on Twitter by Chuck D. My main problem with rap is the same problem I have with pop music, no one is actually saying anything.
I ve been to quite a few concerts, and had to sit through interminable soundchecks, smoke breaks, and just moments when the band was too drunk to show up.  I saw AC/DC once where one of the cannons fell off the back of the stage before it even got to fire during the big encore. I saw a Rock Never Stops tour where five bands who all sounded exactly alike still took a half hour between sets to change equipment, with absolutely no discernible change in tone.
The Reverse Daycare tent, where adults got to sit indoors under fans and relax with noise-cancelling headphones on. I got a ten-minute massage ($10 for charity) and free cold water while thirty other adults sat around, sitting in front of fans and watching Blazing Saddles.
A teenage girl came to the tent opening and asked if her mom was in there. yorkshire terriers dogs los angeles county ca The attendant said she d go look, but the girl had to stay outside. yorkshire terriers dogs los angeles county ca A few minutes later, she brought a woman up front who wasn t the girl s mom, so she just threw the teenager out and we all got back to our nice quiet shade.
By the way, today s musicians use the word fuck a lot. As Lewis Black said, it s not a word, it s a comma. I m certain in my old-school era of regular concert going, such lyrical yorkshire terriers dogs los angeles county ca poets as Steven Tyler and David Lee Roth probably used the word quite a bit. However, when you re walking around seeing literally sixty bands in a row perform back-to-back, the certain sameness of the stage patter starts to get to you.
I m not sure if they know this, but the guys who run the merchandise tables for the bands are not actually rock stars. Just walking around, I couldn t help but notice what giant throbbing wankers most of these guys have turned into.
No one came to see you, Captain T-Shirt, so you don t really have the high ground to be a dick to everyone who walks up. I m sure it s a sweet gig to have. Most people pay in cash and it s tough to keep track of all of that inventory, so I m sure you have full pockets. And no matter yorkshire terriers dogs los angeles county ca how big of a dick you are, there s certainly no one to complain to.
And quit ignoring the guys to talk to the ladies. I hate to break it to you, but no woman is going to sleep with you for a t-shirt. yorkshire terriers dogs los angeles county ca Spreading it for $15 worth of merchandise is firmly in crack whore territory. I know you ve given up all stability in your life for the privilege of being near music while sleeping every night twenty to a bus, but that s no reason to take it out on us.
8:21pm Motley Crue appear in a car commercial, apparently from a company that never Wikipedia d singer Vince Neil to see if he had any vehicular manslaughter charges in his past. Here s another tip, Madison Avenue. Don t hire Tommy Lee to do spots for your swimming pools, either.
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